I will let you in on a not so secret "dirty little secret" of my life.
Outside the frame of this picture
The picture of flowers my husband brought...
Stacks of dirty dishes, and a floor covered in GMO cheerios and non organic strawberries from toddler rage. Outside the scope of the picture is the rough day and tears we had which inspired my husband to get the flowers.
Are they beautiful? Absolutely. But they are more beautiful BECAUSE of the surrounding chaos that i try to crop out. Not in spite of it.
So often I worry about how my life is percieved by others. How I am percieved by others. I worry about that more than I worry about how i am actually living my life.
Am I loving my husband?
Am I patient with the toddler who threw her cup on the floor for the 9 billionth time?
Do I use my time well?
Have I been a good friend?
Outside the frame of your public image who are you?
Do you find your contentment only when things are smooth, or are you content in chaos?
My goal has been to be content in chaos. To love the messiness of life that is over run by little people. To genuinely let people into the dark corners of my life. To allow everything to be brought to light. To grieve openly, to laugh freely.
But i have to fight the urge to "crop" my life. To edit out the crumb covered floor, and to sugar coat chronic pain as a "blessing." I fight the temptation to say that i feel "stronger" or "closer to God" because motherhood has been a beautiful experience. the reality is I feel closeer to God because life is chaos. Motherhood is chaos. Married life is chaos. And so was singleness. And college life. Life on earth is chaos. At least for me. The challenges God has allowed me mean that for the forseeable future...my life will have varying degrees of chaos.
Outside the frame of this selfie, well actually within the frame are signs of my brand of chaos. Walls I havent finished painting. Glasses I had to get because pregnancy altered ny eyesight. Hair just cut for maybe the third time in a year. A cute new shirt that probably wasnt in the budget...because my prepregnancy clothes are in boxes reminding me that I have a long way to go. Inside my head you can find ADHD and anxiety, cuss words, and sometimes depression, faithlessness, along with basically any brand of sin you can imagine.
So hi, welcome to my life "unfiltered" and "uncropped"