You may be wondering what on EARTH this has to do with ANYTHING in your life. Well, I have a confession to make. It may not. But it has to do with my life. A lot actually. You see sometimes I want to be "closed" to remodel. When I see sin or failure in my life I want to curl into a ball, and ignore everyone. I want to hide my sin, and keep everyone out until I get it "fixed"
But consider for a moment my construction metaphor. In many cases "remodeling" is an attempt to save face, a matter of pride. Red flag number one on my attitude.
And even though I admit that I need change, refreshing, and an "upgrade", if I let no one in, who is doing the work? ME. Flag number 2.
First of all, I am called to live in community, so I can't simply withdraw from interacting until I get it figured out. Did I just say until I get it figured out? Yes, that's how I think. I want the credit, I want to be the one who remembered to read my Bible, or the one who was MORE maturity, the girl who has it together. I want the "safety" of not confessing my sin.
This thinking is subtle, and seeps into my head without me noticing. It starts well enough, with a desire to change and grow and before long I have a legalistic set of rules I made myself.
If I have to fix myself, then conviction of sin becomes even more painful than it already is. It is a constant reminder not only of how I have already failed, but how I will fail again, because despite my vain attempts I know that I can't do it. Because of the sting of conviction which scripture brings, I withdraw from truly reading. But reading just for the sake of "keeping up appearances" lacks consistency and quickly loses its motivation. And if I could just read enough, or just not get mad at my siblings, or always respect my parents or just... "earn" my salvation. Lets not sugar coat this. That is exactly what I want to do. I hope to become a "new creation" like God promised. Just without God.
I have struggled with this mentality for years, and some how in the middle of writing papers and trying to combat my fear of not earning the grades I want I was convicted that I am sliding into it again. I want to do it all. School, work, church, Christianity, friends, family. I want to do it, and perfectly and on my own too if possible. But it isn't. Not even close.
Somehow the awareness of my inevitable failure at earning Gods favor is the most relieving letdown ever. A beautiful paradox. But my inability does not mean I will be like this forever, the same immature person forever. I will constantly be changing. Or should I say being changed.
Phillipians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
So as of tonight I will fight to be OPEN for remodeling. Join me?
